Meanwhile, In Washington, DC...

With profuse apologies to Willie Shakespeare...

SCENE I. Washington DC, The Capitol Bldg Rotunda…

Enter Senator Mike Lee and Senator Ted Cruz

 

SENATOR LEE

Nay, that's right; but why wear you such a frown today?
The day’s business is past.

SENATOR CRUZ

There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things: I will tell you, my friend,
Senator Lee: that rascally, scald, beggarly,
lousy, bragging knave, Speaker Boehner, which you and
yourself and all the world know to be no better
than a fellow, look you now, of no merits, he is
come to me and brings me bread and salt yesterday,
look you, and bid me vote for amnesty: it was in place
where I could not breed no contention with him; but
I will be so bold as to wear it in my cap till I see
him once again, and then I will tell him a little
piece of my desires.

Enter SPEAKER BOEHNER

SENATOR LEE

Why, here he comes, swelling like a turkey-cock.

SENATOR CRUZ

'Tis no matter for his swellings nor his
turkey-cocks. God bless you, Speaker Boehner! you
scurvy, lousy knave, God bless you!

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan,
To have me fold up my one desire?
Hence! I am not qualmish at the smell of amnesty.

SENATOR CRUZ

I beseech you heartily, scurvy, lousy knave, at my
desires, and my requests, and my petitions, not vote,
look you, for this monstrosity: because, look you, you do not
love it, nor your affections and your appetites and
your digestions do not agree with it, I would
desire you not to eat of it.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Not for Harry Reid and all his goats.

SENATOR CRUZ

There is one goat for you.

Strikes him

Will you be so good, scauld knave, as to vote for it?

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Base Trojan, thou shalt die.

SENATOR CRUZ

You say very true, scauld knave, when God's will is:
I will desire you to live in the mean time, and vote correctly: come, there is sauce for it.

Strikes him

You called me yesterday mountain-squire; but I will
make you to-day a squire of low degree. I pray you,
fall to: if you can mock a conservative, you can take a strike.

SENATOR LEE

Enough, Senator Cruz: you have made him cry.

SENATOR CRUZ

I say, I will make him wish he had not, or
I will beat his pate four days. Do not vote, I pray you; it
is good for your green wound and your bloody coxcomb.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Must I not speak?

SENATOR CRUZ

Yes, certainly, and out of doubt and out of question
too, and ambiguities.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

By this vote, I will most horribly revenge: I cry
and cry, I swear—

SENATOR CRUZ

Do not vote, I pray you: will you have some more sauce to
your face? there is not enough of this to swear by.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see I do not vote.

SENATOR CRUZ

Much good do you, scauld knave, heartily. Nay, pray
you, throw it away; it  is good for your
broken coxcomb. When you take occasions to see conservatives
hereafter, I pray you, do not mock at 'em; that is all.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Good.

SENATOR CRUZ

Ay, conservatives are good: hold you, there is a groat to
heal your pate.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

Me a groat!

SENATOR CRUZ

Yes, verily and in truth, you shall take it; or I
have another bill in my pocket, which you shall eat.

SPEAKER BOEHNER

I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.

SENATOR CRUZ

If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels:
you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but
cudgels. God b' wi' you, and keep you, and heal your pate.

Exit