With profuse apologies to Willie Shakespeare...
SCENE I. Washington DC, The Capitol Bldg Rotunda…
SCENE I. Washington DC, The Capitol Bldg Rotunda…
Enter Senator Mike Lee and Senator Ted Cruz
SENATOR LEE
Nay, that's right; but why wear you such
a frown today?
The day’s business is past.
The day’s business is past.
SENATOR CRUZ
There is occasions and causes why
and wherefore in all things: I will tell you, my friend,
Senator Lee: that rascally, scald, beggarly,
lousy, bragging knave, Speaker Boehner, which you and
yourself and all the world know to be no better
than a fellow, look you now, of no merits, he is
come to me and brings me bread and salt yesterday,
look you, and bid me vote for amnesty: it was in place
where I could not breed no contention with him; but
I will be so bold as to wear it in my cap till I see
him once again, and then I will tell him a little
piece of my desires.
Senator Lee: that rascally, scald, beggarly,
lousy, bragging knave, Speaker Boehner, which you and
yourself and all the world know to be no better
than a fellow, look you now, of no merits, he is
come to me and brings me bread and salt yesterday,
look you, and bid me vote for amnesty: it was in place
where I could not breed no contention with him; but
I will be so bold as to wear it in my cap till I see
him once again, and then I will tell him a little
piece of my desires.
Enter SPEAKER BOEHNER
SENATOR LEE
Why, here he comes, swelling like a
turkey-cock.
SENATOR CRUZ
'Tis no matter for his swellings nor
his
turkey-cocks. God bless you, Speaker Boehner! you
scurvy, lousy knave, God bless you!
turkey-cocks. God bless you, Speaker Boehner! you
scurvy, lousy knave, God bless you!
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou
thirst, base Trojan,
To have me fold up my one desire?
Hence! I am not qualmish at the smell of amnesty.
To have me fold up my one desire?
Hence! I am not qualmish at the smell of amnesty.
SENATOR CRUZ
I beseech you heartily, scurvy,
lousy knave, at my
desires, and my requests, and my petitions, not vote,
look you, for this monstrosity: because, look you, you do not
love it, nor your affections and your appetites and
your digestions do not agree with it, I would
desire you not to eat of it.
desires, and my requests, and my petitions, not vote,
look you, for this monstrosity: because, look you, you do not
love it, nor your affections and your appetites and
your digestions do not agree with it, I would
desire you not to eat of it.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Not for Harry Reid and all his
goats.
SENATOR CRUZ
There is one goat for you.
Strikes him
Will you be so good, scauld knave,
as to vote for it?
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Base Trojan, thou shalt die.
SENATOR CRUZ
You say very true, scauld knave,
when God's will is:
I will desire you to live in the mean time, and vote correctly: come, there is sauce for it.
I will desire you to live in the mean time, and vote correctly: come, there is sauce for it.
Strikes him
You called me yesterday
mountain-squire; but I will
make you to-day a squire of low degree. I pray you,
fall to: if you can mock a conservative, you can take a strike.
make you to-day a squire of low degree. I pray you,
fall to: if you can mock a conservative, you can take a strike.
SENATOR LEE
Enough, Senator Cruz: you have made
him cry.
SENATOR CRUZ
I say, I will make him wish he had
not, or
I will beat his pate four days. Do not vote, I pray you; it
is good for your green wound and your bloody coxcomb.
I will beat his pate four days. Do not vote, I pray you; it
is good for your green wound and your bloody coxcomb.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Must I not speak?
SENATOR CRUZ
Yes, certainly, and out of doubt and
out of question
too, and ambiguities.
too, and ambiguities.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
By this vote, I will most horribly
revenge: I cry
and cry, I swear—
and cry, I swear—
SENATOR CRUZ
Do not vote, I pray you: will you
have some more sauce to
your face? there is not enough of this to swear by.
your face? there is not enough of this to swear by.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see I do
not vote.
SENATOR CRUZ
Much good do you, scauld knave,
heartily. Nay, pray
you, throw it away; it is good for your
broken coxcomb. When you take occasions to see conservatives
hereafter, I pray you, do not mock at 'em; that is all.
you, throw it away; it is good for your
broken coxcomb. When you take occasions to see conservatives
hereafter, I pray you, do not mock at 'em; that is all.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Good.
SENATOR CRUZ
Ay, conservatives are good: hold
you, there is a groat to
heal your pate.
heal your pate.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
Me a groat!
SENATOR CRUZ
Yes, verily and in truth, you shall
take it; or I
have another bill in my pocket, which you shall eat.
have another bill in my pocket, which you shall eat.
SPEAKER BOEHNER
I take thy groat in earnest of
revenge.
SENATOR CRUZ
If I owe you any thing, I will pay
you in cudgels:
you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but
cudgels. God b' wi' you, and keep you, and heal your pate.
you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but
cudgels. God b' wi' you, and keep you, and heal your pate.
Exit
